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Who comes first? Hubby or baby?

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user4 posted this 17 May 2019

Who comes first in your household? Husband or baby?
My husband is very traditional, and lately he has been reminding me that the Bible says he should be first. He has been feeling neglected because I often don't cook him a hot breakfast, or prepare him a lunch for work. I am completely inundated and overwhelmed with everything baby needs. As a result, he suffers. The other day he even told me that he was jealous of her because she took all his attention away.
Can you believe it? Sometimes I want to tend to all his needs, and be a good wife. Other times I feel like he needs to put his grown man britches on, and take care of himself! Baby NEEDS me! She CAN'T take care of herself so that is why I put her first! Is this wrong, ladies? Please give me some good advice! I could use it!

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Kate posted this 17 May 2019

So, I'm gathering from your post that your husband, and I'm assuming you, are pretty religious. I'm not at all, so if my take on this doesn't fit with your worldview, please just disregard it and know that I'm not trying to judge you or your beliefs, just offering a different perspective.


That said, your husband is an adult. As a spouse, he relies on you for certain things, just as you should be able to rely on him. But he is perfectly capable of making his own breakfast. Your baby needs things from both of you, and you BOTH need to shift your schedules, routines, and priorities to take care of your child. 


Personally, I don't think that a wife is required to put her husband ahead of herself and her children. It's important to take care of your child and yourself. And taking care of yourself makes you a better parent and a better partner. I also think it's important for both partners to make time to focus on your relationship. This is hard, especially in the beginning when you're kind of in survival mode, but eventually you find a way to make time. It just requires work from BOTH of you.

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Brianna posted this 18 May 2019

My babies always come first. 

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Tanya posted this 19 May 2019

Baby first it is ! I guess his behaviors kind of normal as he is feeling neglected. May be you need to talk, share responsibilities...so he can involve himself in caring for the baby and you get time for yourself, and you can prepare food for the both of you. 

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Angelica posted this 20 May 2019

As a religious person myself, I completely agree with this. He has to understand that things change with a baby who needs both parents full attention. He is as adult and he can pull his weight. Perhaps the dynamics of what each person does will change for a while or indefinitely since kids are now involved. Find time for each other and put him first as the protector and head of the home in respect. However, not at the neglect of yourself or your child either. Out of love he should fully understand that things are not going to be the exact same. You deserve grace and understanding just like he does. 

I hope this works out in everyone's favor!

So, I'm gathering from your post that your husband, and I'm assuming you, are pretty religious. I'm not at all, so if my take on this doesn't fit with your worldview, please just disregard it and know that I'm not trying to judge you or your beliefs, just offering a different perspective.


That said, your husband is an adult. As a spouse, he relies on you for certain things, just as you should be able to rely on him. But he is perfectly capable of making his own breakfast. Your baby needs things from both of you, and you BOTH need to shift your schedules, routines, and priorities to take care of your child. 


Personally, I don't think that a wife is required to put her husband ahead of herself and her children. It's important to take care of your child and yourself. And taking care of yourself makes you a better parent and a better partner. I also think it's important for both partners to make time to focus on your relationship. This is hard, especially in the beginning when you're kind of in survival mode, but eventually you find a way to make time. It just requires work from BOTH of you.

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Ashley posted this 20 May 2019

He may not realize how much hard work is involved in caring for a baby. Perhaps you guys can have a discussion about this and ask him to help with certain tasks (e.g. do the overnight baby care, help with baby laundry etc), so that you can get more rest and you have more time to take care of him.

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Lindsey posted this 20 May 2019

Whenever I feel like I haven't done much for my husband I pass him the baby and do something I used to do haha! Like here, I'll make a hot breakfast. You hold him. It works out. Hang in there it's definitely an adjustment for everyone.

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user5 posted this 20 May 2019

I am definitely feeling your frustrations! My husband and kids are the same way, and act like babies in order to get my attention. I remind them that I have a REAL baby to take care of, and tell them to take care of themselves! It won't always be like this, but right now I cannot bear the weight of the whole household on my shoulders!

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emmie posted this 20 May 2019

I think you and your hubby have to come together to jointly prioritize the baby first, that way there is no competition. 

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Kristen posted this 27 May 2019

Before our baby girl was born, my husband commented that she will be the priority - and it was actually me who reminded him that we also need to prioritize our marriage, because otherwise it all falls apart! Now that she's here, I can tell he feels neglected sometimes but so do I! When I was working, he'd get home by 4, while I'd get home (with her) by around 630-645pm. She'd be hungry, tired, and cranky from a bad day at daycare (hence the reason I now stay at home), so I'd be busy with her and not be able to cook dinner. Would he offer or just do it? NOPE! 9pm would roll around and either I'd try to whip something up real fast or we just wouldn't eat. Frustrating. Then again, I was up making dinner (most of which I couldn't eat due to after pregnancy food aversions) two days after returning home from the hospital. 

Now that I'm at home, I make a point to do EVERYTHING! The only thing I don't do is mow the grass because our ginormous lawnmower intimidates me. I wake up when he gets out of the shower in the morning (otherwise I'd be bumping into him/using his hot water), do housework, side work, baby care, etc. and then will make sure to make dinner, etc etc; if thye baby is still awake, I wait until he comes to bed to watch her to take a shower. Usually she's still awake when I get out and he's fast asleep, so I get her to sleep and eventually go to sleep myself. 

I'm exhausted. But I was more exhausted when I was working full time too. 

Whew. Okay, I guess I needed to rant. But my point of this is: Both spouses will feel neglected until a routine is made. I'm exhausted right now but since he's trying to work a little extra so I can stay home with baby girl, I feel like it is my duty to pull extra household weight (plus it's almost everything I was doing while working too) and make sure everyone is happy.

If you look at articles from the 40s-50s, they are all about a woman's obligations to her husband. To a point, i actually do agree with them. If your husband is working his butt off to provide for the family, then you need to work your butt off to provide within the house. 

However, that does not mean both spouses should be taking advantage of one another. Husbands often do not understand the extreme baby aspect; my husband certainly doesn't. But I also don't understand how he thinks putting a pacifier in baby girl's mouth when she hasn't finished her nighttime bottle is right. 

Everyone is different, and every relationship is different, but communication is always the key. When my husband makes a snide comment about how long something takes me, i ask him how he would do it. try it his way, and figure out the best way to compromise. 


*Suggestion for hot breakfast: try making stuff ahead of time - like a casserole or microwaveable sandwiches - that you can just heat up in the morning! 

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Andrea posted this 28 May 2019

As a Christian, I do agree that it should be your marriage before your children.  However, it seems like he's taking that SUPER literally... and like you said, your baby LITERALLY needs you. Physically.  I think he needs to understand that the Bible doesn't mean he still gets every luxury and his life doesn't change.  He also should be making sacrifices... and I don't even think not having a hot breakfast counts as a sacrifice.  


Well, this turned out a lot more snarky than I intended it to 😂  I'm sorry. But if he's going to refer to the Bible, he should really understand FULLY what it's saying.  Maybe you guys need to have a talk with someone else about it. Sometimes when my husband just can't understand my perspective, I bring someone else I trust into it. 

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Ella posted this 31 May 2019

I don't think I can add a comment after reading this! LOL! VERY, VERY well said!!! 

Before our baby girl was born, my husband commented that she will be the priority - and it was actually me who reminded him that we also need to prioritize our marriage, because otherwise it all falls apart! Now that she's here, I can tell he feels neglected sometimes but so do I! When I was working, he'd get home by 4, while I'd get home (with her) by around 630-645pm. She'd be hungry, tired, and cranky from a bad day at daycare (hence the reason I now stay at home), so I'd be busy with her and not be able to cook dinner. Would he offer or just do it? NOPE! 9pm would roll around and either I'd try to whip something up real fast or we just wouldn't eat. Frustrating. Then again, I was up making dinner (most of which I couldn't eat due to after pregnancy food aversions) two days after returning home from the hospital. 

Now that I'm at home, I make a point to do EVERYTHING! The only thing I don't do is mow the grass because our ginormous lawnmower intimidates me. I wake up when he gets out of the shower in the morning (otherwise I'd be bumping into him/using his hot water), do housework, side work, baby care, etc. and then will make sure to make dinner, etc etc; if thye baby is still awake, I wait until he comes to bed to watch her to take a shower. Usually she's still awake when I get out and he's fast asleep, so I get her to sleep and eventually go to sleep myself. 

I'm exhausted. But I was more exhausted when I was working full time too. 

Whew. Okay, I guess I needed to rant. But my point of this is: Both spouses will feel neglected until a routine is made. I'm exhausted right now but since he's trying to work a little extra so I can stay home with baby girl, I feel like it is my duty to pull extra household weight (plus it's almost everything I was doing while working too) and make sure everyone is happy.

If you look at articles from the 40s-50s, they are all about a woman's obligations to her husband. To a point, i actually do agree with them. If your husband is working his butt off to provide for the family, then you need to work your butt off to provide within the house. 

However, that does not mean both spouses should be taking advantage of one another. Husbands often do not understand the extreme baby aspect; my husband certainly doesn't. But I also don't understand how he thinks putting a pacifier in baby girl's mouth when she hasn't finished her nighttime bottle is right. 

Everyone is different, and every relationship is different, but communication is always the key. When my husband makes a snide comment about how long something takes me, i ask him how he would do it. try it his way, and figure out the best way to compromise.

*Suggestion for hot breakfast: try making stuff ahead of time - like a casserole or microwaveable sandwiches - that you can just heat up in the morning! 

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Melody posted this 01 June 2019

Goodness posts like this make me sad. Plenty of religious people are very proud to be religious, and I am proud to NOT be religious at all. I think it involves too much brainwashing and is extremely patriarchal as it was made by men. Hence the woman being pretty much a servant in most religions...

ANYWAYS...

I think there should be equality. If you don't have a good relationship with your partner, your child will 100% see it and it's so unhealthy for a child to experience that behavior. 

However, I believe the MOST important relationship is the one you have with yourself. You need to have self-respect, you need to be taking care of your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. If you are not well, you cannot be a good partner or a good parent in accordance with your true abilities. As they say, you cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot continuously give to everyone around you without losing yourself. Have your own hobbies, ideas, etc. Take care of yourself and you can conquer anything. 


I hate to break it to you but this is 2019 and we are all adults here and if you're responsible enough to be a parent then you can make your own damn breakfast 😂 Your husband was obviously taught these "morals" and has been brainwashed. Girl please save both of you and be open and communicate your thoughts. Don't remain silent, you'll become beyond resentful. 

user9 posted this 05 June 2019

This post would have been so much better without bashing the woman's religion. There are a lot of men that are chauvinistic, and it has nothing to do with religion. There is so much more that I could say about this, but I am going to refrain myself from doing so. I will simply say this...

Ladies, lets keep it classy and refrain from bashing one another. Commenting on a discussion thread with the intention to insult someone is completely pointless and childish.

Goodness posts like this make me sad. Plenty of religious people are very proud to be religious, and I am proud to NOT be religious at all. I think it involves too much brainwashing and is extremely patriarchal as it was made by men. Hence the woman being pretty much a servant in most religions...

ANYWAYS...

I think there should be equality. If you don't have a good relationship with your partner, your child will 100% see it and it's so unhealthy for a child to experience that behavior. 

However, I believe the MOST important relationship is the one you have with yourself. You need to have self-respect, you need to be taking care of your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. If you are not well, you cannot be a good partner or a good parent in accordance with your true abilities. As they say, you cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot continuously give to everyone around you without losing yourself. Have your own hobbies, ideas, etc. Take care of yourself and you can conquer anything. 


I hate to break it to you but this is 2019 and we are all adults here and if you're responsible enough to be a parent then you can make your own damn breakfast 😂 Your husband was obviously taught these "morals" and has been brainwashed. Girl please save both of you and be open and communicate your thoughts. Don't remain silent, you'll become beyond resentful. 

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Sadie posted this 10 June 2019

My toddler comes first. I love my husband to death, however he is a grown man. He is capable of doing things by himself, and for himself. A baby/toddler 100% relies on someone else to provide care for them. Therefore, without a second thought, my toddler will ALWAYS come first!

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Jillian posted this 19 June 2019

I think this conversation has been, for the most part, really healthy and respectful.  It was refreshing to read opposing viewpoints without almost any judgment.

I am personally religious, my husband is not.  I don't subscribe to the idea that I'm my husband's servant, I think we ultimately serve each other in different ways and that's what makes a healthy relationship - I'm a SAHM (24/7/365/forever which I think he sometimes forgets), he works 60+ hours a week to provide for us (which I sometimes forget since I literally never clock out).  I do as much as I can around the inside of the house, I cook, I clean, I do everything with the kids.  He does all the yard work and he does the laundry (by choice).  

I DO agree with the previous poster who said that marriage comes first, in life, I think that should be true.  BUT.  This is a chapter of our lives, with really young kids, where it just can't.  They NEED us more.  My husband is an adult, I am an adult.  If he wants or needs help, he should ask and vice versa.  I try to do it all myself but sometimes I can't.  "It's a relation-SHIP.  If one of the crew jumps overboard, the ship sinks."  No one can do it all.  Especially not your baby - the baby can't do anything.  Baby comes first until baby becomes a toddler who can learn to be more independent.  

Jill posted this 19 June 2019

I feel like family life is all about shifting priorities. Things are always changing, and someone always has more needs than someone else. Right now you have a baby and your baby has the highest needs, so everyone needs to figure out how to work with that. Other things get pushed to the back burner because you have to prioritize the baby. As time goes on, that balance will shift, and then shift again. Spouses need to be partners in figuring out that balance. In my household we want it to feel like everyone is getting their fair share of love, support, and attention, with the understanding that "fair" does not always mean equal. If I'm the only one who can feed the baby, and I have to do that every 2-3 hours, 24/7 then no one else is getting as much of my attention as he is. 


I guess ultimately it comes down to the logistics of your day to day life. For now, caring for a baby is the primary driver of all of the other logistical decisions, and eventually it will be something else. The main thing is to talk to your husband about it and make sure that you are both on the same (or at least close to the same) page about what that looks like.

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Megan posted this 25 September 2019

The best part of these replies:  COMMUNICATION. Your husband has expectations. If he does not voice them to you, how can you meet them? He expected a hot meal and when you couldn't do that, he was disappointed and felt unimportant. That doesn't mean you failed in any way. If you present your feelings without blame, he will probably be more than happy to help out more so the two of you can have time together. Also, I don't think it has anything to do with religion. If you don't follow every principle in the Bible, you can't just pick one and throw it out as important. The Bible is all or nothing. 

Kelly posted this 25 September 2019

I do think a marriage needs to come before a child, since if both parents are happy with their marriage, they can be better parents.  But I don't think a happy marriage should be based on if you feed your husband.  Your baby can't feed herself, so she wins that battle.  

Willow posted this 25 September 2019

This one is hard for me to answer simply because I see several sides. I understand husbands feelings, your feelings, and understand the needs of baby also. I think the best answer is that communication, on very real levels, are the only way to really address these concerns.

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Lilliana posted this 25 September 2019

You are not wrong. My husband is very old-fashioned as well. It's not an easy place to be in.

Liana posted this 25 November 2019

I don't even know if I can calmly write about this topic. Baby always first because he's so young, but I try to keep it balanced and always remember that when my children grow up, I'm left with my husband. 

Luna posted this 25 November 2019

For us child comes first. Our child has special needs and we've had to rethink everything we do and have done in order to give him the best life. We (my husband and myself) both feel very neglected, but that just reminds us that we are giving the greatest gift, which is to provide a loving home for our son.

kayla posted this 26 November 2019

baby first. it is a short period in your life that your babies will be babies, that you get to have them and take care of them. your husband needs to be supportive of all the changes in your lives. you have the rest of your lives to pamper each other. a


side note. you should read 5 love languages, because it seems like yalls are different, might give you both a little perspective. 

kayla posted this 26 November 2019

baby first. it is a short period in your life that your babies will be babies, that you get to have them and take care of them. your husband needs to be supportive of all the changes in your lives. you have the rest of your lives to pamper each other. a


side note. you should read 5 love languages, because it seems like yalls are different, might give you both a little perspective. 

Kacy posted this 14 January 2020

You're not wrong at all! He needs to grow up, baby comes first always!

Gina posted this 14 January 2020

Baby first no matter what!! It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do

Kymere posted this 14 January 2020

Always always always the baby. A grown man can take care of himself and he shouldn't put so much stress on you while you're obviously taking care of the baby by yourself.

Ellen posted this 15 January 2020

Baby always comes first. You are completely right in the baby needs you more than any man. Even if he is very traditional, you are not his maid and the baby can't do anything without you. There is always a little jealousy from the husband but he should realize the first year of life is precious and needs your attention.

Connie posted this 15 January 2020

Husbands do come first if you want to keep them.  You married him and fell in love with him and that is why your baby is here.  Yes, you do need to care for your baby a ton, but that doesn't mean you can't involve your husband.  He is a critical part of your family and you need to let him know that he is appreciated.  Sometimes that goes a long way.  I would strongly recommend talking with him about your feelings and coming to an agreement on how you can help one another.  He is also there to help you.

Mohini posted this 15 January 2020

You love your husband, right? I would say that you need to talk this over with him.  It is a huge adjustment for you two and conversations need to be had in order to grow together not apart.  Your relationship with him comes first, but you both have a huge responsibility to your baby.  Talking together will help you know how to balance this.

Ellen posted this 27 January 2020

Ugh! Baby comes first. The baby is literally helpless. While the husband and father is a grown man. The mother and father are partners in taking care of the baby and partners in taking care of each other. The husband and wife should lighten each other's loads and burdens, not add to them. Perhaps it would do your husband some good to remember that the Bible also says that husbands should love his wife as Jesus loves the church and gave Himself up for her. Golly, I'm sorry, but if my husband would leave me for taking care of the baby instead of him, then good riddance. I think my child and I would be better off with a grown man who can take care of himself.

Elena posted this 28 January 2020

The baby always comes first. They need more care. Dont neglect your husband, no. But seriously to say he is jealous? yea thats not okay. life changes when a child comes along, but it takes time and adjustment and its super hard in the beginning.. I hope you two can talk this out bc what a terrible position to be in

C posted this 18 February 2020

Since the baby is completely helpless and he's grown, he comes second.

And if he throws the bible in your face again, remind him it also says you can't wear clothes of mixed fibers, a menstruating woman should be kept in a tent because she's unclean, and it's totally cool for a guy to have the husband of his crush murdered by putting him on the front line of a battle.

Candy posted this 18 February 2020

If he doesn't like your priorities now, then he's going to be devastated when he finds out how much everything costs for a kid.

Jona posted this 18 February 2020

I don't mean to be blunt, but is your husband a man or a baby? If he's a man, he can take care of himself.

Mara posted this 19 February 2020

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks like this... my husband is always number 1 because after the kids are moved out he'll still be around. But after staying up with the baby all night, he'll wake up early and feed her, change her, and enjoy her time, and surprise me with breakfast. He cleans the house and helps me as much as possible. Let's be honest, we both knew to go into this that baby has needs that need attention. I know this doesn't help, good luck. 

Taisha posted this 19 February 2020

My babies are my priority too, especially now that they are BABIES. Guys have a hard time understanding that.  Babies are dependent, they can't do things on their own and women are human. We need to somehow find time to take care of ourselves too-aka, eat, go to the bathroom, shower and at somepoint sleep.

Hannah posted this 19 February 2020

Um, YOU come first. Without you, the baby won't make it. Without you, your husband would be miserable. So, it's not him, it's not the baby.

Take care of you first.

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Rachel posted this 24 February 2020

Baby ALL the way. Lol he gets my 1000% attention.

Isabell posted this 24 February 2020

Baby all the way!!! Hubby can wait lol.

Isabell posted this 24 February 2020

I could not agree me! Hannah you worded and said this perfectly. Yes focus on yourself first or nobody will be happy.

Um, YOU come first. Without you, the baby won't make it. Without you, your husband would be miserable. So, it's not him, it's not the baby.

Take care of you first.

Isabell posted this 24 February 2020

Lol Jona! Yes you stole the words out of a lot of peoples mouth 

I don't mean to be blunt, but is your husband a man or a baby? If he's a man, he can take care of himself.

Anna posted this 25 February 2020

Baby comes first in our house hold! My husband knows it and understands he is not the baby anymore. Lol

Ali posted this 29 March 2020

For practical, in the moment ways baby comes first because they can't do anything on their own. However, as our son has gotten older (he is almost 2), we are teaching him that if mommy and daddy are talking he needs to wait his turn. Its important to meet kids' basic needs, but its' also important for them to feel secure in their parents' relationship! (disclaimer: i don't think this means anyone needs to be cooking their husbands a hot breakfast every day! my husband is glad when he happens to get one, but certainly doesn't ask for on the days I don't cook.)

Luna posted this 31 March 2020

for me, absolutely the baby! my husband is old enough to take care of himself, and should  understand that between him and the baby, the baby needs me more. 

Carolyn posted this 01 April 2020

You're take care of his child day in and day out. Where are your hot meals? If he is jealous of a baby because she is being cared for as she should be, maybe he should move back in with his mom so she can coddle him. 

Too blunt?

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